"Jõehobu elutoas" Tommy Helsten

Päris lasteraamat see ikkagi pole , mida hetkel loen.

Lähisõltuvus (LS)(kaassõltuvus) fookusega alkohoolikute täiskasvanud lapsed

Mis on LS oleva isiku tunnused?

1. Orienteerumine väljapoole- Inimene on õppinud sobituma kellegiga enesest väljaspool, selle asemel , et tema mõtteid ja tegusid juhiksid tema enda tunded, mõtted ja vajadused. Selline inimene tajub hästi oma keskkonna moodustavate inimeste vajadusi- tundub et ta eksisteeriks vaid teiste jaoks. Kui koguneb grupp inimesi, suudab LS- isik tajuda ja rahuldada nende vajadusi. Kui keegi on vihane, siis tuleb tõsta tema tuju. Kõigil peab olema hea olla, kellelgi ei tohi halb olla. Väljapoole orienteeruv inimene lähtub kaasinimestest, mitte iseendast- see on kunst, mille ta on omandanud kooselust jõehobusega. Ta teab, et ellujäämise tagatis on oskus säilitada rahu jõehobusega.
2. Kontroll- Niisugustel inimestel on vältimatu vajadus kontrollida oma tundeid, teisi inimesi, elu tervikuna. Otsus kõike kontrollida valmib lapses siis , kui ta tajub, et ei saa kedagi usaldada. turvalisust pole võimalik kelleltki saada ja seepärast tuleb see iseendale luua, kontrollides ja valitsedes kõike ümbritsevat. Kõik see, mis ei allu kontrollile , on hirmutav. Hirmu äratavad eelkõige tunded, sest need arenevad oma reeglite järgi, allumata kontrollile. Kontrolliv inimene taotleb juhipositsiooni, võim on talle magnetiks. Niisuguse oma elu üle valitseva inimese kohta võib öelda, et ta on haigestunud enda tugevusse. Sellised inimesed teavad kõike, oskavad kõike, haldavad kõike. Me kohtame neid seal, kus on võimalik turvata ja aidata teisi.
3. Võimetus usaldada teisi- Usaldamatus juhib eristumisele. Kui pole usaldust teiste inimeste vastu, on võimatu lähedust kogeda. Tihti on nõnda, et LS-i isik ei teagi, mida tähendavad usaldus ja lähedus: need mõisted puuduvad tema kogemuste maailmas.
4. Nõrk minatunnetus- Sageli võib LS-isikult kuulda, et ta ei tea õieti isegi, kes ta on.
5. Sundtegutsemine- Ta ei ole enam human being vaid human doing. Säärasel inimesel on alati kiire, kuigi ta ei tea, kuhu ta tõttab. Ta ei tea seda, sest puudub aeg seisatada ja järele mõelda. Eksiteel aga ollakse siis, kui elamine mattub tegutsemise alla ja tegemist peetakse ekslikult elamiseks. Elu ei tähenda sooritust , vaid elamist.
6. Ülitõsidus- Elu on tõsine. Nõnda mõtleb inimene, kelle peaülesanne on eksistentsi säilitamine, liikudes ühest kriisist teise. Sellise inimese normaalse elu juurde kuulub pidev vaevanägemine ning kergendust pakub olukord, mil pole põhjust paanikaks. Tõsise inimese üks joon on samuti võimetus võtta vastu teiste toetus. Ülitõsine inimene võib tajuda teiste inimeste vajadust toetuse järele ning seda ise pakkuda; selle vastuvõtmine aga kujutab endast ületamatut probleemi. Valesse sugupõlve kuulumine- laps-perekonna-psühhiaatrid.
7. Haigestumised- Tunnetega näib liituvat sarnane sümboolika nagu unenägudega. Mõnikord riietuvad nad kujutlusse, mis korduvad inimese enda tahte vastaselt. Lootusetusetunne võib väljenduda kujutluses auto ette hüppamises. Tihti hoiab niisuguste kujutluste all kannatav inimene paaniliselt teeservast kaugemale. Kui inimene ei suuda endale võimaldada õigust olla nõrk, teeb organism seda tema asemel.

no vot siis.

STONE

Käisin täna seda filmi vaatamas kinos. Olin mitmest allikast kuulnud, et tegemist on igava filmiga, kuid seda kohe kindlasti mitte minu jaoks. Minu jaoks oli see võib-olla isegi liiga intensiivne- isegi praegu kodus ei suuda ma sellele mõtlemast lakata. Ja see on ootamatult tekitanud minus tahtmise kirjutada ning seda ma nüüd teengi. Kirjutan siia mõtteid ja arutlusi, mis mul filmi ajal peast läbi jooksid, samuti teel koju. Need ei ole kindlasti kõik mõtted ega ka kõige olulisemad. Kirjutan lihtsalt sellest , mis näppudest tuleb.

Alustan esimesest stseenist, mis ka pärast selle lõppemist päris kaua veel mu mõtetes ringi uitas. Ma mõtlesin armastusele. Mõtlesin sellele kui hävitav see võib ikka olla. Mis saab kui Sa teed vale otsuse, kui Sa valid vale kaaslase ja kui Sa oled nii nõrk, et Sa ei muuda seda valet mitte kunagi õigeks. Ja oma elu lõpuni eladki nii, õnnetult ja armastuseta. Armastus toob maailma suurima headuse, kuid nii tihti ka suurima kurjuse. Halb armastus tundub minu silmis omavat väge luua katkisi inimesi ja need katkised inimesed loovad üha enam ja enam katkisi inimesi juurde.

Siinkohal jõuame mõne teise mõtteni. See maailm meie ümber. Inimesed kes me oleme ja kelleks me saame. Kõik need peategelased olid üht või teist moodi täiesti "fucked up " ma ütleks. Mulle tunduksid nagu katkised ja väärastunud inimesed...samas...kas ma tahan seda uskuda või mitte, siis nad pole seda. Mis hälbest me räägime, kui enamus on vb sellised?Kui norm ongi selline. Ma olen viimasel ajal nii palju kokku puutunud valelikkuse ja manipulatsiooniga. Kuidas saab kedagi uskuda üldse ?Usaldada? Kuidas saab aga mitte usaldada? Kaua sa jõuad kedagi umbusaldada?

Ja mida kuradit peaks siin maailmas üldse uskuma?

Nojah, üldjoontes tõi film tõesti palju negatiivsust üles või õigemini äratas. Kõik need kahtlused ka minus endas. Muidugi, me kõik tunneme kedagi, kes tunneb kedagi, kes on õnnelik ja bläblä edasi. Aga kaua võib kuulata seda juttu, et maailm on tore ja ilus ja inimesed on toredad ja ilusad ja kunagi saabub ka õnn meie kõigi õuele...ärge selle jutu peale nüüd väga kurjaks ka saage, sest elu on andud põhjust jõuda mul selliste mõteteni ja eks filmist saadud mõtted ongi vaid peegeldused mu enda hirmudest ja mõtisklustest...

Vot

Tundisn lihtsalt, et tahan selle kõik kirja panna...

To Iulia, and anyone who might need sth like this someday:)

1. Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.2

2. Don't try to be so strong. Cry if you need to, scream if you want. Be in your pajamas the whole day. You've been hurt, there's nothing wrong with crying. As bad as it may make you feel at the time to be crying over your ex, you'll feel a lot better when you're done crying, however long that might take.

3. Keep your space. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.5

4. Cope with the pain appropriately. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - acceptingresponsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.

5. Deal with the 'hate phase'. This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.

6. Talk to your friends. You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net. Spening your time around friends and happy people will make you happier, and it'll help you forget about your ex for the time being. But be wary of friends trying to connect you with another person right now, this is not what you need.8

7. Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.9

8. Make a list of reminders. One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear -- this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!"10

9. Out with the old, in with the new. A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better.

10. Remove memory triggers. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place you'll never go. Out of sight, out of mind.

11. Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, signing up for that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well. Enjoy Being Single.13

12. Stay active. Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every

13. Let go. Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.

14. Be Optimistic. Change your thinking; that will help change the way you feel. Soon enough you'll be feeling released and free, and ready to take on new challenges.

Iulia saatis mulle ühe oma sõbra kirjandi- täis küsimusi, ja mina tundsin küll end ära:)

Being 20-something.

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with
the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that
you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder
where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely
know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends
that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you
have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most
important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that
too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you
would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you
are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find
yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have
certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your
list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and
then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your
life.
You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy
and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that
the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such
damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent
enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but
love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because
you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with
your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just
like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are
in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to
figure this whole thing out.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US!!

Samuti saatis Iulia ka ühe huvitava kodulehekülje- http://www.ted.com/ . siin on igast 20minutilisi loengusi igast huvitavatel ja mõtlemapanevatel teemadel:)

härrale.

Kord aastas kui lootus kaob,

ja südames jällegi on vaod.

Sa tunned, et tühine on pingutus

värskuseta on ringitus

Su ähvardused avavad haavad mu sees

oled julm ja hoolimatu mees

Sõnad nii "muret täis" mu kõrvu kriibivad

pisarad- need vaid hetkeks viivitavad

Ja silmad, need rohelised ja varjamata

ainukesena tõtt ei jäta rääkimata

seest vaikib suu, ja sõnu ei kuule

ometigi ei mõtle ma millelegi muule...

finding feeling...

Kell on 8.04. Olen juba tunnikese üleval olnud- kohvi joonud ja oma bakalaureust kirjutanud. Caitlinit, Otti ja Marit kuulanud. Mõnus mõnus nädal on olnud. Töö on lihtsalt nii hea, põnev ja inspireeriv. Kool on arendav. Inimesed (need õiged) on südant soojendavad ja elu on ikka lill.

Ja nädal pole isegi läbi mitte! Täna siis koolitusele ökukatega ja laupäeval maale õppima: ) Tundub chill enough. Järgmine neljapäev juba Kreekasse.

Ja väljas, akna taga on päike.

Do you recall the way I
used to practise what I believed
but now I am falling down
It crept up on me 
while I was sleeping
softly, surprise gravity too a hold of me
I know it´s time to wake up
Cuz it hurts too much to make up
The colors that just make me real
I´M FINALLY FINDING FEELINGS 
THAT REMIND ME OF ME
i´M FINALLY FINDING FEELINGS
THAT REMIND ME OF A GIRL I USED TO BE
I did not like the way you
Pushed yourself on me like
a hurricane that came crashing down
Though I did not stop
The many changes I clocked
I did not have a hold of me
I know it´s time to wake up
Cuz it hurts too much to make up
The colors that just make me real
I know there´ll never be another
One like me
So I won´t be playin´undercover
Cuz now I see
My braces will come off tomorrow

And I´ll be smilin´

Cuz I´ll be me.

avastasin just, et aprill on...

Rääkisime just isaga veidi aega...tema tööst ja asjades ja muidu ja naersimegi ise. Ja siis hakkasingi mõtlema, et aprill on juba. Jaanuarist on juba nii palju möödas. Veider, mäletan viimaste aastate jaanuarikuid, ei tahaks küll. Aga praegu on juba aprill:) Loodan, et seda nüüd ära ei sõnanud!